After a week of beingcompletely satisfied, busy, exhausted, hyperactive-- after the rush of adrenaline, feelings of emotional, creative, intellectual and physical accomplishment- the calm rushes in and I only want more of everything.
Before I moved to China, I used my five dollars of weekly allowance money to buy this beautiful little decorated matchbox that contained native american charms (worry dolls, healing sand, etc.) It also held a little fortune. My sister, never to be outdone, bought one as well. (Mine was pink with a golden sun embossed on the front and hers was blue with a silver moon.)
Her fortune read "You are about to embark on a great journey"
and mine said
"you have the sublime talent of perpetual contentment."
I stole hers and replaced it with mine. I knew she would never notice. I knew she would lose her matchbox the instant she bought it (which she did.)
I still have mine. "You are about to embark on a great journey" is now my curse. My actions 11 years ago reveal the only truth about fate. You create your own fortune, and in turn, your creations become you.
I now long for contentment. But I can't have it because I traded it for something I thought was better. My sister can't have it either- she lost it. Neither of us thought it was important.
but I still have the matchbox. I hold on to every sentimental object with witch-like belief in their authenticity. What else do I have to confirm that I've lived a life besides Romanticized recollections but these small tokens of their ruin?
I hope you find your contentment.
and remember that I always love you even if I am running off in another direction. The journey has become a prison.
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